A Rant...

Fuck Fibro.

So I booked a week off work cuz I'm literally exhausted and can't cope. I was hoping to have nice relaxing bit of time off, but no! Fucking Fibro decided to once again rear its ugly head and shit all over me!

The first 3 days I did basically fuck all cuz I was unwell. Between the leg spasms, cramps and upper-body shit leftover from "yoga", its been a right fucking barrel of laughs.

Tuesday night, I lost my nan, so I've been pretty much totally dissociated from that entire shitshow ever since.

I've also been on my period this week, extremely hormonal, and that never bodes well when all my Fibro symptoms increase four-fold. Insert eye roll emoji here, as I'm discovering it's rather hard to convey tone now that today apparently my ridiculous grey matter is actually letting me write something for once.

Now we come to this morning, whereupon my belly decided to act up, getting me out of bed for Bathroom Fun. I've since come to the conclusion that it was the chorizo we had for tea last night.

I go back to bed, sweating, cramping, nauseous and generally feeling like complete dogshit.

Then, THEN, I wake up with fucking acid reflux!

Fibro is an absolute bitch. It's wrecked my life and it's times like this, living in a constant flare, that I could quite cheerfully go somewhere quiet and just scream. 

But I won't. Cuz I'll get carted off to Broadmoor.

Instead, I'm going to go and have a smoke or two, read something, find some food, then go and have a nice long shower. Cuz I look and smell like I've been camping for weeks.

Ahh the joys of depression.

Puts you into such a goddamn funk that you can't even manage very basic self care. 

Yeah us spoonies are really living our best lives!

Har har fucking NOT.

I'll probably do another whiny moan post, probably soon, but for now I'm chuffed that I managed to get something actually written out, and it's...mostly eloquent.

Self Care Part 2...

Self care for Vik:

Smoke - I've smoked cannabis for a few years now. Primarily I use it as medicine. Pain relief. But I also use it to help me upstairs too. It helps me with my anxiety and helps me to look at things more clearly. Although my shrink does that too. Heh.

Books & Writing - I learned to read when I was 2, and writing came not long after. Books have always been my escape and so has writing. Until the inconvenience of Writer's Block. Insert sarcastic eye roll here, as writing on a laptop doesn't have emoji thingys. 

Music - Music just does something good to my brain. I'm stoned so it's a little bit hard to put it articulately. I just know that when I hear music I relax. That's as good a place to start as any right?

Crystals - I've always been interested in crystals since I was small and I've always collected them. A lot of people just like pretty stones, and that's completely fine; I freely admit that I'm a magpie who likes pretty stones. But for me personally, something about crystal energies resonates with me, so I try to use them in my witchcraft as I feel that they help me.

I would put up some pictures but at the moment my laptop is being a bit of a pig and not letting me upload anything. At the moment my 2 favourite focus stones are Labradorite and Hematite.

Note to self: Try and get my laptop sorted so I can put up cool pictures. 

Self Care Part 1...

I tried to write the other night but The Evil Bastard Writer's Block showed its ugly face again. Sat there, ready to go, headphones on, clean page, and...Nothing. Nada. Sweet fuck all.

So I thought I'd give it another go. Now that I'm sufficiently stoned and just about chilled down enough anyway. 

(Side note, I smoke cannabis, and it will probably be mentioned on some of my more personal posts, like if I talk about Fibro. If this offends you please feel free to not read this page. And also right this second I'm too high to really give a fuck about any judgements.)

I've been feeling completely drained this week. Pretty damn sure I'm in a flare-up. Again. As per fucking usual. Maffoo's been home cuz he's had a chest infection, then I got the bug as well. But I've got the day off today, so I've done all my housework, put my meditation music on and had a smoke.

I've also only recently starting actively practicing witchcraft after years of lurking in the shadows as it were, so I'm looking for ways to incorporate it into my self care routines. I love Me Time but I'm trying to follow my shrink's advice and actually DO IT.

Self Care for Vik:

Smoke - Helps to calm my mind, brings my anxiety down, opens up my mind which will help me to write, helps me to focus, makes things clearer,

Books - Get lost for hours, gives me inspiration for writing, calms my mind,

Music - Helps me to relax, relaxes my body (meditation sounds),

Crystals - Calms me down, keeps me grounded eg: an anxiety or panic attack,

I'm surprised that I've manged to write so much again. And I don't feel too bad about it. I've actually just given myself an idea for another post.

Deactivating Writer's Block, Part 2...

Deactivating Writer's Block, About Me, Part 2:

Personal Post time. I've been getting the urge to write recently but I've been constantly working so literally haven't had the time. Crapmas and all that jazz. But due to the fact that January is naff for pubs, I find myself with an unscheduled night off. For which I am extremely grateful; my knees are on fire, I'm cramping like hell and I'm reeeeally not in the mood to deal with a bunch of pissed up idiots.

Sooo. I have Fibromyalgia. Or Fibro, as I usually call it. I have many other names for it of course, Hell on Earth and Bane of My Life, to name but a few.

Fibro is a chronic illness, and it appears that not a huge amount is really known about it. Apart from us poor bastards that have to live with it. We know everything.

I started getting symptoms when I was 18. Initially we thought it was to do with when I was was born. Had a few x-rays but nothing ever came of it. (I came out with a club foot and muscle wastage among other things). After that my symptoms were sporadic up until I turned 21.

After the pain that typically went away within 2 days or so, started camping out at around the 3 week mark I began to get concerned.

Thus sparking off over 10 years of failed doctor appointments, constant, widespread body pain, crippling anxiety and depression, pointless tests, and incorrect medications that all add up to my monumental distrust of all things NHS.

I will be going into far more detail in coming posts; I've had a smoke so it's a little hard to focus. I just wanted to write something to get it out.

I'm a crampy, achy, hormonal mess at the moment and I feel like I'm living in a flare - up. I'm constantly exhausted and my body hurts. All. The. Damn. Time.

 I've been on a little break from pole since mid-November. I really didn't want to, but it got to the stage where I had to listen to my body. As a result my mental health has kinda been in the toilet for a while. Luckily though, I intend on starting back at pole mid-January. 

I'm restarting my therapy sessions next week as well. After last year I think I need it. Still lots of shit to process and unpack methinks. I just hope the poor bastard's ready.

Bloody hell, look at how much I wrote.

Deactivating Writer's Block, Part 1...

 As I'm still struggling with the dreaded Writer's Block my blog content probably won't be that coherent at times. So I'm gunna try and get things moving by doing a more inclusive About Me kinda post, then see how things go from there.

So with the goal in mind of making writing feel natural again, here we go.

Deactivating Writer's Block,  About Me,  Part 1:

I'm V. I'm 32 and I'm a barmaid. 

I kinda just fell into bartending when I was jobless and involved in an abusive relationship. Luckily that shit ended but I fell in love with bar work and have been behind the wood ever since. In December I'll have been doing my job for 11 years. Of course it has its ups and downs and there are times when I could quite cheerfully throttle both my customers and staff alike, but y'know, I can't see myself doing anything else. 

In recent years I've developed a somewhat love/hate relationship with bar work. Although I think that may be due to the fact that the Great British Public are unutterably stupid. After everything went tits up in 2020, my tolerance for bullshit is in the minus figures. 

(Side note: I'm usually blunt and can be pretty disparaging towards my fellow humanoids. Generally I consider myself a firm misanthrope. Trust me when I say you ain't privileged if you feel my wrath; I don't like many people. Maybe like, 3?

 If you're offended by coarse language then this probably isn't the right place for you. I'm a barmaid in a working man's pub. Sometimes I swear a lot. And I generally write how I speak: With a broad Brizzle accent peppered with curses.)

I'm pretty chuffed that I've managed to write this much so far. Think I'm gunna do a few more little experimental posts just to get myself back into it again then I'll be able to crack on with some of my ideas.

Again if you've made it to the end of my ramblings, fair play.

Obligatory Hi, Hello, Wazzup Post

 Hi, I'm V, and this is my new blog, Blood Moon Diaries.

I'm a Goff Barmaid, part-time Pole Dancer, Fibromyalgia Warrior and Solitary-Eclectic Witch.

The content of my blog will be Fibro / Mental Health / Witchcraft related.

I've also started this blog to use as a Safe Space and also as a way to try and overcome my 10-year-long Writer's Block. I'm getting back into writing after a long time away, so it'll probably feel a bit clunky and disjointed to read the first few times. Nobody has to read this; this is a way for me to to vent my frustrations and feelings, cuz I can't afford therapy yet. I'm not interested in ''Likes'' or how many hits my blog gets.

So if you happen to stumble across my little corner of the interwebs and you like witchy things or perhaps you've had a shitty day come and say hi.

Disclaimer:

• Trigger Warnings - My blog will sometimes be personal. For example: Dealing with Anxiety and Depression and PTSD. When I do a post involving these topics I will put the specific warning at the start of the post.

• Safe Space - While I understand that the internet isn't always a safe place, I'll be trying to ensure that at the very least my blog remains relatively drama free. Bullying and abuse will not be tolerated under any circumstance. 

If you've made it this far into my nonsensical ramble, fair play, and keep an eye out for upcoming bits and pieces.